Parenting Blog

Most of my articles come from real-life experiences, and this one is no different. I had just gone 15 rounds with 3 of my kids trying to get them to school on time, and I was worn out. It seemed to me that this had been a pretty regular thing lately, and I started thinking to myself “What am I doing wrong?” My mind went down that path a little way, but not too far, since that way was looking like this might be my fault. So, I took a little detour off that path and thought Maybe I’m expecting too much of them for the age they are.

OK, now I was getting somewhere. Especially since the blame for this fiasco wasn’t laying at my feet or theirs either. So I started by whipping out my dog-eared copy of Total Transformation expectantly searching for the Behavior by Age chapter. I knew I would be on the right path then.

I did find a section on age appropriate behavior, including age appropriate consequences and age appropriate rewards. (I discuss this a little further down in this article), but what really caught my eye was a section on styles of parenting, and I realized that this applied perfectly here. James Lehman, creator of the Total Transformation program, talked about seven different parenting roles that parents play. These roles are generally well-meaning but ineffective because they fail to promote responsibility, accountability, or change.

The 7 Permissive Parenting Roles

Let me list them: The Bottomless Pockets; The Over-Negotiator; The Screamer; The Ticket Puncher; The Savior; The Martyr; The Perfectionist. I had to know more. What I learned was that I was several of these in spades. And for the situation that sent me scrambling for answers, I was playing the Martyr.

The Martyr’s goal is to eliminate a sad, upset child. So they takeover everything for the kid and constantly ask less from them. I recognized these parenting skills(?) in me and I wasn’t thrilled. James Lehman has a way of teaching in a straightforward way. It sounds simple and logical, you know the kind of stuff you need to have. And it is vital to have when things starting getting crazy.

Now, to get back to age appropriate behaviors, consequences and rewards. Here’s how Mr. Lehman sees the different age groups.

Ages 5-9 – The age group has kids still liking being with their parents and other adults. Though they are starting to enjoy establishing peers relationships separate from the adults, but still with their input. You would reward them with being able to be up later, stickers, and getting off from a chore. Consequences could be early to bed, restriction on TV or computers,

Ages 10-14 – Now they are working on how finding themselves. This can be daunting. Partly because they want to start right out of the chute doing it on their own (with no training of course!) and partly because they do still need oversight from their adults. Making bad choices to learn the hard way is most common. Rewards revolve cell phones and usage, more computer or video game times and planning the dinner menu. Consequences will encompass losing that sacred cell phone or time, TV restrictions, and most horrible, loss of time with peers/activities.

Ages 15-17 – At this age, adolescents must be working on independence. Priorities center around peers and young adult activities. They are trying new things and building new skills. Most of the motivators at this age, both positive and negative, center around the car – being able to drive it, or being banned from it. Others include loss or gaining of phone time, and computer or TV time.

This is just the short list of age appropriate behaviors and how to use them in discipline because I picked out the ones that fit my morning “dispute”. Total Transformation has more both of this and the parenting styles too.

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