by Marian M. Jones

The title screams out in garish pink block letters. How to Supercharge Your Marriage, Make Your Spouse Leapingly Blissful, and Become A Prize-Winning Parent. Then, way at the bottom, in type so small it belongs at the eye doctor’s, the subtitle reads: Relationship Lessons From Gays and Lesbians.

I turn the book over and read the blurb on the back:

Let gays teach YOU how to:

* Be more flexible about sex roles

* Negotiate everything from making the first move to making the bed

* Divide parenting tasks fairly and equally

* Stop taking your commitment to each other for granted, like every other ho-hum hetero couple you know.

Well, okay. The book doesn’t really exist. But is it just the feverish fantasy of someone suffering from a gay-pride overdose? Can straight couples learn anything from us, with our U-Haul relationships and 15-minute sex dates? And would they want to?

In fact, a number of psychologists have positive things to say about gay and lesbian couplings. According to a series of studies by California psychologists Robert-Jay Green, Michael Bettinger, and Ellie Zacks, lesbians have greater flexibility and cohesiveness in their relationships than either gay men or heterosexuals, and gay men have greater flexibility and cohesiveness than straight couples. The idea that gay and lesbian relationships are more egalitarian than heterosexual ones is also supported by abundant research, from Philip Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz’s landmark 1983 book American Couples to a 1991 study by psychologist L.A. Peplau.

Researchers have even more glowing praise for lesbians and gays as parents. “Planned lesbian families present a viable and valuable model of a functional family in contemporary America,” writes Valory Mitchell in a 1995 article in the Journal of Feminist Family Therapy. Mitchell has found that unlike heterosexual two-career couples, where the mother comes home to a “second shift” of child care and housework (while the father devotes an average of three hours per week to child care), lesbian partners share parenting and household duties fully and equally. And psychologist Jerry J. Bigner of Colorado State University has found that gay fathers are more nurturing than straight fathers and less likely to see their parenting role as limited to that of a provider. Gay fathers also tend to provide a more structured environment for their children and to set more consistent limits on their children’s behavior, according to Bigner. Both Bigner and Mitchell conclude that the freedom to deviate from traditional parenting roles helps gay men and lesbians take better care of their children.

Some psychologists who study gay relationships believe that heterosexuals could learn a lot from their research. Straight men, especially, might find that their relationships would work better if they absorbed some lessons from gay couples, according to Robert-Jay Green, who is co-editor of the new book Lesbians and Gays in Couples and Families (Jossey-Bass, 1996). Heterosexual men need to become more flexible in their behavior and take on more of the traditional “women’s” chores and roles, Green says, from cooking and changing diapers to listening and sharing feelings. To do this, “they’ll have to learn to stand up to the pressures of conformity. But progressive straight couples can talk with their gay and lesbian friends and ask them, `How do you manage the gender nonconformity?’ ”

The experience of Kenneth Lin, a straight 22-year-old artist and musician, suggests that there may be truth in Green’s ideas. “Hanging out with a gay friend and his boyfriend, I’m more able to talk about things that are not `male,’ ” says Lin. “I can open up to them and talk about how I was hurt in a social situation. And I can cross over and bring this new sensitivity into my relationships with women, or even my friendships with other straight guys.”

Another example of this queer-straight cross-pollination shows up in a recent Ms. magazine article by Boston writer E.J. Graff. At the end of the article, which addresses the issue of same-sex weddings, Graff mentions a young heterosexual couple who announced at their wedding that the egalitarianism of lesbian relationships would serve as the model for their own marriage.

When asked whether she thinks that our relationships really provide a model for straights, Graff is cautious. “I’m not so sure there’s anything that they could learn from us that they couldn’t learn from unconventional heterosexual relationships,” she says. But Graff, whose book What is Marriage For? will be published next year by Beacon Press, does believe that heterosexuals can learn something from the debate about same-sex marriage. “Because we have been forced to think `What does [marriage] mean to us?’ we can bring outside questions to this institution.”

The straight children of openly gay or lesbian parents have yet another distinctive perspective on heterosexual institutions. Jamey O’Quinn, a straight woman who grew up with her lesbian mother in Cambridge and her gay father in New York, says she was heavily influenced by the egalitarian relationships she saw around her. “With my mom and her partner, the responsibilities were evenly shared,” recalls O’Quinn, 26. “Having grown up in that sort of environment, I’d never want to go out with a typical `role guy’ who wore a suit and worked on Wall Street and expected me to be a housewife and do the cooking. It doesn’t feel right to me to have rigid sex roles.”

Nevertheless, O’Quinn says, “I think that once you fall into the gender roles in a straight relationship, you can’t easily get out of them. And you know, sometimes gender roles aren’t so bad. I love it when my boyfriend carries my books for me.”

O’Quinn’s observations suggest that maybe the issue is not just what straights can learn from gays and lesbians, but what heterosexuals and homosexuals can learn from each other. While progressive heterosexuals may be able to learn from our openness, our egalitarianism, and our freedom from gender roles, their willingness to accept gender roles — their respect for each other’s differences — may ultimately hold lessons for us.

“One of my mom’s friends, who used to be gay and now lives with a man, often says `Oh, it’s so easy, he drives the car, I cook. We don’t have to negotiate everything,’ ” O’Quinn says. “You know, if you want to let one person do all of the hard labor and another person do all the cooking, there’s nothing wrong with that, unless someone is pushed into it.”

Perhaps, then, a more appropriate title for the self-help book could be: How to Become More Open-minded: What Gays, Lesbians, and Heterosexuals Can Teach One Another. Look for it at your local bookstore in the year 2010.

Shared parenting is an arrangement that divorced parents use so that both parents participate in equal amounts in raising the children. It can be a great solution for parents who want to be part of their children’s lives. It also allows the child to develop good relationships with both parents after a divorce.

Shared parenting, also referred to as shared custody or joint custody, offers a lot of flexibility for scheduling options for the parents. Because of this, and because parents need to be creative about sharing the time with the children between them, creating a custody schedule can be a lot of work.

Because parents who have joint custody need a schedule that gives both parents equal time with the children, they can run into complications. There are the standard shared custody schedules: parents alternating weeks, or alternating every two weeks or every other month. But these only work if the parents live close to each other and the child’s school schedule can remain constant.

There are solutions when children need more stability during school year and the parents don’t live close enough to switch custody that often. The easiest thing to do is to make a schedule where one parent has the majority of custody time during the school year–then make up the time the other parent lacks in other places. There are several options where the parents can make up the time.

The most obvious time to change the custody schedule is during the summer months when the children are out of school. The parent who has less time with the children during the school year can have a lot more time during the summer. The schedules of the parents can pretty much switch.

The custody schedule can be changed when the children have other breaks in school as well. The parent who has less time with the children during the school year can get more time during winter and spring breaks. School holidays can also let the parent with less time extend a weekend or add some visitation.

All of this scheduling can get complicated. Because of this, many parents turn to computer programs to help them sort things out. This can be beneficial because a program will let you set up different schedules and tells the percentage of time that each parent has with the children. Then you can create something very fair.

Shared parenting is a great way for parents to both participate in raising their children. There are many ways to create a shared parenting schedule and parents should work until they find a schedule that fits their needs. Once this is done they can relax and enjoy their parenting.

When children start to have a mind of their own the tantrums begin. Toddlers have trouble communicating and this causes them to become frustrated to the point that they end up throwing a tantrum.

The important thing is to stay consistent with discipline and do not give in. If they learn they get their way by throwing a fit they will continue to do it and it will get worse.

Watch for signs when they are starting to have a meltdown. When you start to notice those signs try to switch their attention to something else.

Tantrums can be caused by lack of sleep, being hungry, sick or just needing a little extra attention. That still doesn’t make it okay, but once they have settled down you need to address that.

When the tantrum starts leave the room and ignore the child. Let them know that this is not a good way to get your attention.

You need to remain calm and try not to get angry. Stay firm on the decision you made before they started the tantrum.

It always seems like this happens in public and it is mortifying to have everyone looking at you and wondering how you are going to handle the situation. Hold strong even though it seems like everyone is judging you.

If your child is old enough to understand you can give them a warning. Send them to a time out chair or send them to the other room by themselves. If you are out in public you might just have to take them home. They need to learn that there will be consequences for their actions. It is recommended that you plan one minute for each year of the child.

Communicating with our children can be a difficult task at times. We feel like they’re not listening to us; they feel like we’re not listening to them. Good listening and communications skills are essential to successful parenting. Your child’s feelings, views and opinions have worth, and you should make sure you take the time to sit down and listen openly and discuss them honestly.

It seems to be a natural tendency to react rather than to respond. We pass judgment based on our own feelings and experiences. However, responding means being receptive to our child’s feelings and emotions and allowing them to express themselves openly and honestly without fear of repercussion from us. By reacting, we send our child the message that their feelings and opinions are invalid. But by responding and asking questions about why the child feels that way, it opens a dialog that allows them to discuss their feelings further, and allows you a better understanding of where they’re coming from. Responding also gives you an opportunity to work out a solution or a plan of action with your child that perhaps they would not have come up with on their own. Your child will also appreciate the fact that maybe you do indeed understand how they feel.

It’s crucial in these situations to give your child your full and undivided attention. Put down your newspaper, stop doing dishes, or turn off the television so you can hear the full situation and make eye contact with your child. Keep calm, be inquisitive, and afterwards offer potential solutions to the problem.

Don’t discourage your child from feeling upset, angry, or frustrated. Our initial instinct may be to say or do something to steer our child away from it, but this can be a detrimental tactic. Again, listen to your child, ask questions to find out why they are feeling that way, and then offer potential solutions to alleviate the bad feeling.

Just as we do, our children have feelings and experience difficult situations. By actively listening and participating with our child as they talk about it, it demonstrates to them that we do care, we want to help and we have similar experiences of our own that they can draw from. Remember, respond – don’t react.

We parents right now are always in a rush to get their kids out of diapers. Who doesn’t want to? With such a tight schedule, our kids will always bother our way with their toilet sessions. Unfortunately it is not the parent who decides when a child is ready to potty train, it is the child himself. Rushing the process generally tends to backfire to us parents, making the situation longer to succeed.

Kids are physically and mentally ready to potty train at around 18-24 months old. You will begin to see signs that your child is ready by that time. They will get to start to be interested in the toilet and will want to know what you are doing on it.

Some kids will even sit on the seat and pretend to use the toilet just like an adult. You will begin to notice that your child will begin to tell you when his diaper is wet or dirty. Also, they might even begin to tell you while they are going or maybe even just before they go.

In most cases, your child will be irritated when his diaper is soiled and will tend to stay dry for a few hours at a time. These are all excellent signs of a child being ready to begin toilet training.

Another important, yet ignored, sign is when your child can pull his own pants up and down. You can make this easier with him if you let him with pants that are a little on the larger side. He will also start to show interest in big kid’s underwear and ask to get some.

With these signs, now is the perfect point to introduce your child to using the potty. You can take him out and select a potty seat that catches his interest. Probably start with his favorite cartoon character or his favorite color Find some related books or DVDs about potty training and share them with your child. Make the process interesting and build some excitement.

You can also try to teach him the basic steps of using the toilet including taking off his pants and underwear, sitting on the toilet, going to the bathroom, wiping, pulling up his clothes, flushing and washing his hands.

When you are ready, here’s a great tip. Start giving your child extra fluids during the day. Water is the best option. Practice taking your child to the bathroom every half hour to get him to practice using the toilet and hopefully have a successful effort.

Take your time while he is on the seat possibly singing a song or reading a short story. When he finally goes, be sure to praise him thoroughly and make a big deal about it.

By ensuring first that your child is ready to begin toilet training before doing the actual process taking your time, you will increase the chances that your efforts will be successful. Also, taking the time is the key in potty training.

Remember that your child is the one who must put the effort into the actual toileting, so make sure that he is enthusiastic about the process. Just keep things positive and in no time, no more diapers to change.

Taking a trip with a baby need not to be daunting if you plan in advance what you will need for the journey. Some things are a must, like milk and food, and it is a good idea to pack more of these than you think you’ll need. It is a good idea to have some finger foods to offer the older baby. Here are some more tips:

* Expressed milk if you’re a breastfeeding mom will keep safely for up to a day in a cool bag filled with ice. If your baby is on formula you can either store pre-prepared bottles in the same way or add cooled boiled water to formula you have measured into the bottle for when it’s needed.

* There are now cartons of “ready to drink” formula milk which are perfect for the journey itself. However, you need to check whether these cartons are allowed through security at the airport or into other countries if traveling overseas. Powdered formula in a sealed container is not usually a problem.

* Solid foods can be carried in a cooler, although a better approach maybe to bring foods with you that you will be able to easily organize during the trip. Avocado pears and bananas are good examples, as they can be simply peeled, mashed and served to your baby at room temperature.

* Not all restaurants and fast food places cater for babies so it is a good idea to be prepared by having your own spoons, forks and dishes. A travel feeding chair is worth considering adding to your list of essential items as it makes feeding baby easier no matter where you are. Wipe clean plastic bibs or disposable ones make sense as they help cut down on the amount of laundry!

* Try to plan ahead if you need bottles of milk or baby food warming up. Quite often cabin crew or waiters are busy and can let the food get overheated. Always check the temperature carefully when the food arrives as there is nothing worse than trying to cool down the food quickly when you have a crying, hungry baby!

* Sterilizing baby bottles and dishes and pacifiers when traveling used to be a problem. Nowadays, most retail stores that sell baby equipment have a range of products to make life easier when traveling with a baby including disposable bottle liners and microwave sterilizer bags.

* Obviously you will need enough diapers and scented diaper disposal sacks for your trip. If you are going to a sunny climate don’t forget to keep your baby in the shade whenever possible and to pack adequate sun protection. You should not use sunscreen lotion on babies younger than six months old. A night light is a good idea for those night feeds – especially in an unfamiliar hotel room.

* If baby has a favorite blanket and toy don’t forget to take them with you. They will help baby settle better for sleep whether in a sky cot aboard a plane or as a cover and comfort in his crib at your final destination. Blankets also make great sun shades when baby is out and about in the stroller.

* It is best to dress baby in light layers for the journey as then you can add or remove clothes if the temperature fluctuates. Dressing in layers also means it is easier to take off the top layer if baby spill on his clothes. Don’t forget to include a change of clothes for yourself – babies love to share the mess around!

I used many of these tips myself when I was traveling with my young babies so I know just how much help they can provide. So please use them and enjoy your trip!

Unfortunately babies don’t come with a user manual; however, there are thousands of books on the subject of child care and parenting in the stores. Now more than ever new parents seem to need to resort to books when it comes to the subject of how best to look after their new baby.

And it’s ironic that what was considered “best practice” from one author some years ago is now completely contradicted by today’s Best Seller or Number 1 Guru. In the first part of the twentieth century, for example, a structured routine was considered essential to prepare a baby and child for the disciplines and realities of adult life. One early introduction to discipline was for parents to avoid any instinct to pick up their baby as soon as he cried because then he would learn that he could expect attention on demand.

A new theory then gained popularity and it stood a lot of existing practices on their head. Dr Benjamin Spock argued that there was no standard routine that fitted all babes because each child was different. And as part of that, a crying baby should be soothed by cuddles and kisses because it produced calm rather than any lasting harm. His views were initially controversial but were adopted by many and at regular intervals since that time new child raising theories have been published by other authors.

My own introduction to the joys and difficulties of raising a child was more than thirty years ago. At that time the use of books to become a parenting expert was thankfully still fairly rare and certainly not something I resorted to. Like most moms, I had doctors, midwives, family and friends to consult in addition to the natural instincts that I believe virtually all moms have.

So with that in mind, and despite the fact that I don’t regard myself as a child-raising expert, here are the basics that served me well:

* Talking to my babies during breast feeding and bottle feeding: that added to the closeness and increased the bond between us.

* Sleep for baby was easier and more peaceful in the open air of our back yard, secure in a baby carriage. Clearly this approach won’t work for families without a secure back yard and it’s not something for working moms. And I don’t think that it will work anything like as successfully with today’s strollers!

* Using a routine was very important to us, even though there were conflicting opinions by then. Bedtime was preceded by a bath and then a feed, plus a story reading as soon as they were old enough to understand. This routine carried on into later childhood and I believe it relaxed them and helped them to have a better night’s sleep.

* Talking to young babies helps in their language development – I used to talk to them when I was bathing them, changing them, doing chores, when we went out in the car or out for a walk.

* Organizing my day so that in the afternoon I had time to devote to my children by focusing on housework in the morning.

* Making sure that both parents adopted the same approach to discipline when dealing with the children: we didn’t allow them to “divide and conquer” us because we always handled any disagreements between Mom and Dad outside their hearing.

* Maintaining consistency: we were always prepared to explain what the “rules” were and we worked hard to keep the rules the same, wherever possible, because our children seemed to respect and respond to that.

To be absolutely clear, what I’ve laid out above is what worked well for me and it’s certainly not a total guidebook to be slavishly followed, but I hope you find some thoughts and ideas that help you to do your parenting job more easily. Please just remember that you need to take all published advice with a pinch of salt, because your child is unique and will respond differently than any writer can define.

Edu-Parent Quiz provided by DreamBox Learning a kindergarten, 1st grade and 2nd grade math game.

Teaching your children about money is more than preparing them for employment or teaching them to save some of the money they earn. Teaching money concepts is focusing children education about money on the notion of earning, spending, saving, borrowing, and sharing.
Too many parents don’t take time to teach their children about the value of money, and unfortunately, many of those children grow up to be adults who struggle with money management skills. The more children learn about money, the more they will be able to make wise financial decisions as they grow older.

Parents can begin teaching young children how to count money, before you know it, they will have mastered the art of not only counting money, but understanding its value as well.

What age should parents begin educating their children about money? Financial experts agree that it’s never too early. The more children learn about money, the more they will be able to make wise financial decisions as they grow older.

You can teach them to save part of their allowance for that bike, while still keeping some money available for ice cream, or for going to the movies with their friends. It’s never too early, also, to teach your child different ways to make money. Sit down with your child and brainstorm with them on some ways they would like to earn money.

Teach them basic money management skills and their future will be brighter. Paying an allowance provides a way to get children involved and creates “ownership” of the decisions they make when they’re using their own money. It’s also important to look at an allowance as a tool to allow children to make some money mistakes and you have to expect them to make some. In essence it is a way for them to learn big lessons with small amounts of money at an early age. My view is that it is better to make mistakes earlier with small amounts of money than make mistakes later in life when the amounts involved can be much larger.

It’s not the age but rather the aptitude that matters when your child begins to understand that money can be exchanged for things he or she wants, then you will know it’s time to start discussing the concept of an allowance. Remember that money and paying for things is an abstract concept; some children will show an interest while others will not, so be flexible.

Also, paying an allowance will give children and you more control over their money if you don’t pay an allowance, they may still get money out of you for the things they ask you to buy for them anyway. For example, if you pay your kids an allowance for doing household chores, then what happens when they later begin to earn more money from a job outside the home? Paying a regular allowance to one child and handing over money whenever asked by another will foster different money habits between children of the same family.

OK, now I was getting somewhere. Especially since the blame for this fiasco wasn’t laying at my feet or theirs either. So I started by whipping out my dog-eared copy of Total Transformation expectantly searching for the Behavior by Age chapter. I knew I would be on the right path then.

I did find a section on age appropriate behavior, including age appropriate consequences and age appropriate rewards. (I discuss this a little further down in this article), but what really caught my eye was a section on styles of parenting, and I realized that this applied perfectly here. James Lehman, creator of the Total Transformation program, talked about seven different parenting roles that parents play. These roles are generally well-meaning but ineffective because they fail to promote responsibility, accountability, or change.

The 7 Permissive Parenting Roles

Let me list them: The Bottomless Pockets; The Over-Negotiator; The Screamer; The Ticket Puncher; The Savior; The Martyr; The Perfectionist. I had to know more. What I learned was that I was several of these in spades. And for the situation that sent me scrambling for answers, I was playing the Martyr.

The Martyr’s goal is to eliminate a sad, upset child. So they takeover everything for the kid and constantly ask less from them. I recognized these parenting skills(?) in me and I wasn’t thrilled. James Lehman has a way of teaching in a straightforward way. It sounds simple and logical, you know the kind of stuff you need to have. And it is vital to have when things starting getting crazy.

Now, to get back to age appropriate behaviors, consequences and rewards. Here’s how Mr. Lehman sees the different age groups.

Ages 5-9 – The age group has kids still liking being with their parents and other adults. Though they are starting to enjoy establishing peers relationships separate from the adults, but still with their input. You would reward them with being able to be up later, stickers, and getting off from a chore. Consequences could be early to bed, restriction on TV or computers,

Ages 10-14 – Now they are working on how finding themselves. This can be daunting. Partly because they want to start right out of the chute doing it on their own (with no training of course!) and partly because they do still need oversight from their adults. Making bad choices to learn the hard way is most common. Rewards revolve cell phones and usage, more computer or video game times and planning the dinner menu. Consequences will encompass losing that sacred cell phone or time, TV restrictions, and most horrible, loss of time with peers/activities.

Ages 15-17 – At this age, adolescents must be working on independence. Priorities center around peers and young adult activities. They are trying new things and building new skills. Most of the motivators at this age, both positive and negative, center around the car – being able to drive it, or being banned from it. Others include loss or gaining of phone time, and computer or TV time.

This is just the short list of age appropriate behaviors and how to use them in discipline because I picked out the ones that fit my morning “dispute”. Total Transformation has more both of this and the parenting styles too.